Yes, I Am an Upperclassman. Yes, I Saw Your Parents Moving You In. And Yes, I Will Forever Think You’re Lame Because of Them.

By: Doug Patrick

JONSSON TOWER – Oh, Class of 2020. What do you and your cute, little jokes about seeing *20/20* into the future have in common? You’re both getting pretty fucking old.

Like, what, you’ve been saying that 20/20 thing since you were a junior? Probably at some stupid Powderpuff football game bullshit, right? Yeah, well, two years is too long for a joke about numbers to be funny. Unless you’re a math major! Just kidding. We’re not that peppy university all your dumb friends went to that makes fun college jokes. No. This is Skidmore College, where God doesn’t exist and we’ll tell you how it is.

And, in being that type of no-bullshit college, I feel it’s my duty to tell you something: I saw you moving in, and, more importantly, I saw your lame parents helping you, and now I think you’re lame by the transitive property (that’s another math joke – which is even funnier because I study English. This, I hope, shows you how hilarious and cool I am. How bad does it hurt your feelings to know that someone like me, Doug Patrick, thinks you’re super lame?).

I watched them help you carry your stuff up to your room. So tenderly they transported your Beats by Dr. Dre and Nintendo Wii. I’m sure they went inside your room, too. Your brother probably even helped you set up your stupid TV while your mom found a “cute place” for your snacks and your dad laid on your bed, saying something so dad like: “I assure this bed will only be used by you?”

HAHAHAHA. Dad’s funny, isn’t he? And mom’s so nice. And wow, I’m, like, really going to miss big bro too!

You’re pathetic. Really. Having your family help you move in? That’s so high school. And because it’s just soooo high school, I’m going to think you’re an immature frosh forever. And you know what else? I’ll never invite you to any of my SICK *Apartment* parties.

When I got moved in for the first time, on that fateful early afternoon in September of 2014 (which would make me Class of 2018 – just in case you don’t know math like me), I walked to school. That’s right, my parents didn’t even drive me. And I’m from Ohio. Do you know how long of a walk that is? Yeah, you don’t. It’s long. And uphill. Both ways. So, when I got to Jonsson Tower (without my parents, mind you again), I went right up to the seventh floor with all my bags and set up my room. Then, after I set up my room, my roommate came in with his parents. Once he and his dad went back down to get the rest of his stuff, I banged his mom.

So while you, Class of 2020, are still clinging onto your last memories of your family and high school, just remember that I spent my move-in day like an adult.

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