By Lizette Roman-Johnston
Skidmore is home to students that didn’t quite fit in at their high school. You “marched to the beat of your own drum,” which is a nice way of saying you’re fucking weird, and I don’t feel comfortable being your lab partner. Then you arrived freshmen year and realized everyone was the same; ukuleles, long boards, and prescription drugs – no doubt you’ve had at least one identity crisis. But fear not – the Skidmo’ has put together 5 new ways to walk that will make you feel special again:
- Ole Shrugger – With each step, face your palms to the sky and shrug your shoulders twice. This will convey an approachable vulnerability. To add a touch of seduction, incorporate a rhythmic eyebrow waggle. If someone joins in and shrugs toward you, you have found your life partner – congratulations.
- Wacky Inflatable Tube Man – You’ve all seen those crazy blow-up dudes at the gas station. Now you can take these wild and unpredictable moves to campus. Practice this by flailing your arms and leaning your body every which way while you walk. People will know you are excited to see them; it’s also handy when you lose your friends in a crowd. When the sun goes down, this walk is also great for Falstaff’s.
- The Log Roll – Though this is not a walk per se, the log roll is a great way to assert your dominance in the hallway. When you are late to class and people are in your way, just get down on the floor and pave the way! Not only will you get to class on time, but your peers will respect your undeniable power.
- The Baby – This walk can be executed in two ways: (1) You can crawl on the ground while making baby noises and sucking on a pacifier (optional); when someone asks if you are okay, just start screaming, (2) Recruit a generous friend to push you around in a stroller; have your friend explain to people that you could take your first steps any day now. The anticipation of your first steps will keep people interested and coming back for more. Make sure your “first steps” happen with a lot of people around, so you receive copious amounts of praise.
- Run – When all else fails, just run around campus. Your friends will always be intrigued as to where you are going and why it is so urgent that you get there. Instead of letting them in on your desire to spice up your walk, just yell out “They’re coming!” and keep running.