By Jacob Schwartz
NEW YORK CITY, NY—After days of blame games between Mariah Carey’s production team and Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s production team over who was at fault over Carey’s disastrous performance on New Year’s Eve, the case is finally closed.
Yesterday, the terrorist organization ISIS claimed responsibility for Mariah Carey’s disaster performance at Times Square, New York City, in a public statement.
The terrorist organization, known for its crimes against humanity including beheadings and immolation, said in the statement, “we really wanted to try something new this time.”
“Like any terrorist organization, we hate good music,” read the statement. “So we thought, what better way to show that we hate America and it’s policies than by totally messing up their precious star Mariah Carey’s big night?!”
“For too long, your oppressive nation has bossed around the world, and tried to indoctrinate us with your pop-music. No longer!” the statement continued.
ISIS claims that it snuck 4 attackers into the country, who were responsible for altering Carey’s audio track during her performance, causing her to be completely lost.
The organization also reiterated it still does believe in its classic mantra “Death To America,” and believes it achieved this through death-by-embarrassment.
Sources close to the singer say they are not disheartened by the recent news, noting that Carey’s new reality show “Mariah’s World” is much more disastrous by comparison.