WASHINGTON, D.C.—With his forceful speech about putting America first and rebuilding our crumbling infrastructure coming to a close, just-elected President Donald J. Trump had one final message for Americans and whomever else was looking to score some great, reasonably-priced memorabilia. “We will make America wealthy again…so let’s start with these wonderful Trump T-shirts and sweaters at the merch table on your way out. So good. The best. Made in USA.”
As the Commander-in-Chief began his closing remarks, summarizing his vision for the future of America, he nodded toward the exit of the inaugural event, signaling to his staff that they should start putting out the branded hats, keychains, bottle openers, and steaks.
The President returned to his isolationist talking points, noting “We’ve made other countries rich while the wealth, strength and confidence of our country has dissipated over the horizon…we need to buy American again. If you’ll notice on your way out of the event, we’ve got for sale some of the classiest grab bags ever. Buy American, buy Trump.”
The President paused for applause, snorting up the sweet, crisp air of D.C. and dollar bills. As he did, his wife, Melania began modeling her very own Trump scarf atop her sky blue Ralph Lauren coat. He began again: “One by one, the factories shuttered and left our shores with not even a thought about the millions and millions of American workers that were left behind. To that I say, no more! The items for sale you see today were made in America, by good, righteous Americans.”
The President asked that audience members move toward the merch tables in a single-file manner, noting that children would get first crack at the neat swag. “And whether a child is born in the urban sprawl of Detroit or the wind-swept plains of Nebraska, they look up at the same night sky, they will their heart with the same dreams, and they are infused with the breath of life by the same almighty creator. And that creator is me. I made these wonderful articles of clothing. Premo, big-league gear. Get it while it’s hot, folks. Thank you. God bless you, and God bless these United States.”