Last week, the Skidmo’ Daily’s Tacky Wet sat down with Chief White House Strategist Steve Bannon. The interview is transcribed below.
SD: Mr. Bannon, it’s quite astonishing you agreed to be interviewed by a satirical college newspaper..
SB: Well you guys get the stories right. That’s the problem with most journalism… they get it all wrong.
SD: Right, well, we definitely pride ourselves on giving our readers what some might call alternative facts, which leads me to my first question; as President Drumpf ’s Chief Strategist, how do you explain the alternative facts many of his administration spew almost constantly?
SB: Well listen, an alternative fact is just the flip side to fact. So, you know, for example, it’s a fact that global warming is progressing at an alarming rate but alternatively, it’s not. Another example is that it’s a fact that I, I mean The Donald, instituted this travel ban to unfairly target Muslims and satisfy his voter base but the alternative fact of the matter is that it’s going to cut down on terrorism big league. Alternative facts are often overlooked and my, The Donald’s rather, administration prizes shedding light on alternative facts. Your paper understands this—
SD: So you read this paper regularly?
SB: It’s the only place I’ll get my world news… all these mainstream media outlets, I’m talking the CNN’s, I’m talking the MSNBC’s, they all report fact. And that’s why The Donald was elected, we’re going to drain the swamp and give the people of America who subscribe to alternative facts a voice that’s heard.
SD: So what’s your concrete definition of an alternative fact?
SB: Well, there really is no concrete definition. It’s just whatever works for me. They’re not fact… and my admin… President Trump’s administration is the voice for them. We ran on that platform and won on it.
SD: Right, right. Mr. Bannon, to pivot off that, under your definition of what an alternative fact is, using your definition, wouldn’t the sketches President Trump gets so angry about on Saturday Night Live fall under your definition of “alternative fact?”
SB: No, no, no… those are facts. Look at the alternative facts! Donald Trump is qualified for his position, I’m not the President, and this administration knows who Frederick Douglass is!
SD: ….Okay. To change subjects here, in recent days this paper was made aware of reports that you sold your soul to the devil much younger than you have previously admitted. In September of last year on CBS’s Meet the Press you said, and I quote, “I first sold my soul to the devil at the age of 35 at a meat market in New Orleans.” Mr. Bannon, how old were you when you sold your soul to the Devil?
SD: For how much? SB: I think I sold it for around 15 dollars and a first edition of Mien Kampf.
SD: Great, well that’s our time but thank you President Bannon for agreeing to speak with us and hopefully these next four years go by quickly.