Director of National Intelligence to Skip Middleman and Deliver Daily Security Briefings Directly to Moscow.

By George Lubitz

Understanding that most of the U.S.’s most sensitive and classified information probably ends up in the hands of the Kremlin anyway, acting Director of National Intelligence Mike Dempsey announced Monday that he would save time and energy for everyone by simply reporting the highly-crucial information directly to Russia.

The President’s Daily Briefing (PDB), which is systematically presented on the President’s desk every morning at 7:45 will now be placed in the White House fax machine at the same time and sent to Russia.

“Other changes include a redaction of the header that typically read ‘For President’s Eyes Only,’ which will be replaced by the Russian ‘Наслаждайся!!,’ or ‘Enjoy!’” said Director Dempsey.

With all the changes and continued transitions the Trump Administration has undergone since the inauguration, this new protocol will certainly be a step towards a smoother-running government. With Russia better able to learn about the secretive goings-on and unearthed intel by the United States, Vladimir Putin will now have a more coherent idea of how to dismantle the more integral functions and operations of the U.S. government.

“This is about a better relationship between the two countries,” continued Dempsey. “By skipping the need for the President to act as an intermediary for Top Secret information delivered to Russia, he can focus more of his energy on other pressing matters like refusing to declare a State of Emergency in California or deporting immigrants who don’t buy Ivanka’s products.” Just before press-time Press Secretary Sean Spicer was reached for comment about the new intelligence procedure, and the security of the fax lines between countries. He responded: “Everything will be done on a private server, which is different from what Hillary Clinton used, in that President Trump won the popular vote if you don’t count the five million people who voted illegally.”

 

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