By George Lubitz & Evan Wiecha
WASHINGTON, D.C.—With the growing allegations of perjury facing baby-faced Attorney General Sessions in regards to his testimony regarding contact with Russia during the Trump campaign, many fans and colleagues are noting that the darling little lawyer could not have possibly done anything incriminating considering the childlike sparkle in his “wittle eyes.”
“How could you look at a face so innocent-looking and really believe that this sweet little Alabama boy committed acts of treason?” said Speaker Paul Ryan.
At a press conference held by the sweet and charming tiny gentleman, General Attorney Sessions stood up for his lil’ ol’ self, claiming: “I remember meeting with the jolly Russian ambassador, and we talked about race cars and dinosaurs,” before making puppy-dog eyes and turning to the camera, where he added: “Maybe I shoulda said somefing better. I’m sowwwwy.”
Sharp critics from the left were quick to condemn the precious former senator, including minority whip Chuck Schumer. He argued that not only should the loveable little scamp recuse himself from any and all legal proceedings involving the Trump administration, but also that “Mr. Sessions has cheeks far too pinch-able to continue as Attorney General.”
While ranking members of government continue to argue about the legality of Little Jeffery’s testimony, we can all agree that a boy as sweet as Alabama iced tea couldn’t even hurt a fly.