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Mansplaining Manspreading


By Doug Patrick

Now that the noise around manspreading has died down, I figure it’s the perfect time to explain why the stronger sex sits like cavemen. Before, there was just too much going on—and we all know how your brain gets when there’s lots going on. It’s okay, though. Some people are made to lead, like me, a man, and others are made to follow. God, after all, intended it that way. Adam didn’t suffer Eve’s fall so he could get yelled at for sitting the way his Lord desired. So, I took it upon myself—look at me, leading again, as per usual—to shed some light on why the “man-spread” is necessary and natural.

And yes, I know you’re probably frowning already. We’re only one paragraph in, and you’re getting angry. That’s so like you. Always getting emotional, especially over things you don’t understand. Well, could you at least try to smile when you read the rest of this? You look so much prettier when you smile.

  1. Men have Y chromosomes.

You may not know this, but men and women are just biologically different. Our Y chromosome makes us stronger, built for hunting, fighting, and watching the NFL. Try getting a woman to sit down to watch the NFL and you’ll see they can’t do it. Facts. And even though they’ll say they just don’t find the sport interesting (they do), or that the commentary is overly masculine and weird (which it isn’t), or that they have plenty of girlfriends who love football (lies), it’s because they naturally sit cross legged, an uncomfortable way to lounge, but a biological adaptation to protect their vaginas—Darwin’s words, not mine. Men, instead, sit in a more spread out fashion to watch football and relax from their busy days of leading, warring, and mating. These busy days, obviously, are the result of biology, the function of our superior Y chromosome which forces us to take control, get angry, and aid everyone around us with our big brains and menacing penises.

2. Balls.

Attention ladies: you know that bulge in between men’s legs that makes you go wild? Well, that’s not all schlong. Our balls contribute too. So, because possessing this “bulge” is key in producing quality mating prospects, defending and nurturing them are one of man’s most important instincts. This means covering them when in battle, but it also means giving them room to breathe, to operate. Same way women do with their teenaged children—dads, you won’t understand this; I only do because I’m a big fan of biology—you want your kids, like we want our balls, to be cherished and protected, but, at a certain point, you’ve got to find the time to let them do their own thing. For many men, including myself, that time is on the bus or subway.

  1. Mankind (Heard of it?)

We’re not just taking supreme care of our balls for ourselves, protecting and airing them out, we’re doing it for the greater of mankind. For the survival of our species. And I think everyone can get behind that. Here, let me explain it to you: Without men, there wouldn’t be sperm, and without sperm, there wouldn’t be babies for, though the egg is important, it cannot do the heavy lifting required of the sperm. So, where do we get this sperm from? That’s right, balls. If you really think we shouldn’t be letting people with balls do whatever they want, then you should also admit that you want the species to die out. Now you might finally understand why there’s such an “alarming” amount of people in the United States government who think men should have the right to veto women’s abortions.

  1. Testosterone, the domination hormone.

Men, unlike women, rage with testosterone all throughout the day. This powerful, warrior hormone courses through a man’s veins, being pumped relentlessly through his blood, and it turns him into a wild, handsome, masculine banshee ready to rip the head off anyone who wrongs him or his wife or takes his property (also his wife). And the best way he can protect himself from having to rip the head off anyone is to take up as much property as he can. See, if he can eventually take up all the property, people with no property will lack the courage to take the property that’s most dear to him. So, when a man spreads himself over a seat, he is simply taking over more property, an innate function of his masculinity and manhood. I can’t stress this enough, you really need to start reading more if you didn’t already know this stuff.

  1. It’s really attractive.

There’s really no way of getting around it: manspreading looks good. Relaxed, calm, masculine. It’s a look that really connotes it all. Just like anyone else wants to look good for the opposite sex (we can at least agree on that, ladies), men want to do it too. And don’t think our big muscles keep us from realizing that some women simply say they hate it when they actually love it. That’s called logic.

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