By George Lubitz

Saratoga Springs—The Skidmore Medical College released a study last week that suggests that Spa employees who are tasked with pushing the catering carts from the Dining Hall to the Spa are more likely than others to develop serious hearing problems later in life.

The study, which was spearheaded by biologist Mehmet Khan and Skidmore Medical students, was conducted over a two year period and followed five (5) different student workers as they trucked heavy metal carts along the bumpy concrete pathway between D-Hall and Case Center.

The scientists placed clip-on mics on the student workers to record decibel levels while they themselves wore industrial-strength headphones to block out the clearly-deafening screech emitted from the wheels rolling on the ground.

After charting the decibel levels and administering hearing tests throughout the study, Dr. Khan and his peers determined that even though “that shit can be heard throughout campus, those poor fuckers who have to hear it up close and personal are pretty much fucked in the hearing department.”