By Shaun Menchel
LOUISVILLE, KY—While visiting his home state this past Friday during a congressional recess, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R) got too close to an ancient GrecoRoman vase that has been in his family’s care for thousands of years. As a result, Sen. McConnell was promptly sucked back into the antique from which he emerged roughly 4 to 5 centuries ago. It is unclear at this time where exactly Sen. McConnell is, however it is widely believed that the vase serves as a link between our world and a realm scientists say largely resembles hell.
“At this time we can assume that Mr. McConnell has been returned to his original nightmare dimension in which space and time cease to exist and organic life of any kind cannot be sustained,” Dr. Benjamin Greenspan, lead research expert in transdimensional travel, said in a statement earlier this morning. “We don’t yet know when or if the senator will be able to return to Earth and whether or not he will be in his human or demonic form.”
As the GOP scrambles to again recover a lost legislator from a cursed satanic relic, McConnell’s loved ones here on Earth are trying to remain positive. “I miss him dearly, but I know I’ll see him every night staring back at me in the mirror before bed,” says Sec. Elaine Chao, McConnell’s wife and self-described vessel upon which to feed. “Fourteen asphyxiated ravens have already shown up at my door so I know he’s watching over me from somewhere.”
Since his dramatic disintegration, townspeople have reported brief sightings of a begrimed McConnell in television sets, open sewers, and cups of coffee. Testimonies suggest that during these sightings the missing senator recites some sort of Latin rhyme before shrieking ‘Garland has perished, long live the Gorsuch king!’ and then promptly dissipating. We’ll have more on this story as it develops.