5 Reasons Why Your Grandma is Fucking Lame

By Max LoSardo

 

  1. She’s So Fucking Old:  Damnnnn dude… how old is she?  Like 83?  Think about how old that is.  This bitch was alive before penicillin existed.   If good ol’ Johnny Goldmeyer had sneezed in her direction in middle school she probably would have died which means YOU would have never been born.  This also means that Jessica Hall would have had a much better prom date than she did. So yeah, your grandma fucking ruined Jessica’s prom night.  How does that make you feel?
  2. She Wears Reading Glasses:  Alright, let’s be real – what is your grandma even reading nowadays?  The newspaper? Pftt, yeah right.  Your grandma lost the ability to comprehend the news right after Bill Clinton played the sax on Arsenio Hall.  You know those spectacles are a facade to hide the fact that she can’t understand jack shit. You know what else is dumb?  That stupid little chain that connects from one side of the frame to the next.  Tell me – what crazy activity your gram gram is doing that is gonna cause that thirty dollar CVS branded piece of metal from falling off of her saggy old face?  Nothing.  So next time grammy asks for her reading glasses so she can “read the funnies,” tell her to fuck off.
  3. She Definitely Hasn’t Had Any Action Since The Bush Administration (The First One):  The closest your grandma has come to getting laid since Bush 41 shoved a slam dunk in the face of those goddamn Iraqis in the first Gulf War was when your little brother Timmy missed her cheek when giving her a thank you kiss for the wrong train set she got him for Christmas.  And you know what she said when that happened?  “Oh my.”  Is she a fucking 6 year old?  And even though she’s been “mourning the loss” of your Grandfather, you know she’s been putting herself on the market.  What else does she do other than sit on her ass and collect Social Security checks?  I think I saw her making her way down to the fellas weekly bridge game wearing that dress that you know she only whips out for those occasions.
  4. She’s So Bad At Everything: Have you seen her try to do anything?  If you have, then you know she sucks at whatever she’s doing.  Have you witnessed the tragedy that is her trying to turn on the TV?  It’s pathetic.  Once she figures out that the top two buttons on the remote are the ones to press it’s just a sad rotation of turning off the TV while turning on the cable box and vice versa.  You know that little card in the cable box?  She once took it out of the box and kept it in her wallet.  So. Fucking. Dumb.  You should see her try to put on her socks in the morning.  Sometimes I almost feel bad it’s so pathetic.  It takes probably a solid 2 minutes per sock, and don’t even get me started on the mess that is tying her shoes.
  5. She Loves You:  Yeah.  I said it.  Of all the people in the world she loves and would die for you.  She remembers your birthday, your favorite foods, what you want for Christmas, and everything in between.  You know she feels sad when she doesn’t see you for more than two weeks and know that you are all she has left.  And you know what the saddest part about that is?  You’re the biggest fucking loser of them all.  More pathetic than your grandma by far.  You simultaneously think you’re worse than everything but better than everything at the same time and that somehow makes you cool?  What the fuck is wrong with you?  Did grandma drop you on your head as a baby?  Wouldn’t surprise me consider she has T R A S H hand-eye coordination.  Guess it runs in the family.  So yeah, your grandma is a fucking piece of garbage.  But she always has you to make her look better.
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