Trump Gives KFC Testimonial

By Doug Patrick

The Skidmo’ Daily discovered unheard audio from a recent interview between Donald Trump and Fox and Friends. Below is the section of the transcript in which President Trump appears to praise the fast food chain KFC for a substantial amount of time, unprompted:

You ever eat KFC?

You know what, I’ll just stop you there. You look like you’re about to say no, and—and frankly most politicians won’t tell you how they really feel about certain brands, you know, the same way most politicians would’ve told you it was impossible to win the presidency as a Republican, but here I am doing it. I had to do it, you know. It was my calling.

The same way I’ve just got to tell you that, when it’s a late night, since I’ve been working all day—you see, I’m a very hard worker, constantly working, this President thing is much harder than my old job—I almost never hesitate to push the phone towards Kellyanne and tell her, “Let’s get the Colonel tonight.” I give her a little wink too because you know how blondes are—I’m joking.

Well, little joke, little serious. Every joke has some truth to it, so…

Anyways, Kellyanne, that blonde tiger, she always gets my order right. A #10, extra crispy, extra gravy. I tell her to get a couple buckets for Mikey, Spice-man, and herself. She usually declines though, which I understand—(Laughs) if it’s anything Melania taught me, it’s that these ladies have got figures to maintain!

Spicer’s the same way, but have you seen his press conferences on TV? I mean, the ratings he gets, they’re incredible, best ever. He’s got to keep his physique for those ratings. But trust me, I get that. I was on television for years, remember. And with better ratings than him. Not by much, not by much. But better. Definitely better.

Mikey picks at his bucket, usually in between his explaining what health insurance is to me and praying. Says he doesn’t have much of an appetite most days.

But me, I’ve been using all this brain power all day to make important decisions, so KFC is the only thing that can fill a man like myself. I love it.

And because of all the regulations in those kinds of joints, you know, KFC, Burger King, Wendy’s and all that, it’s actually cleaner than anything else you could eat—it’s better for you, you see. Sure, it doesn’t have, oh what is it everyone’s talking about now? It doesn’t have—Carbs! (Raising his voice to a squeal) Oh, it doesn’t have carbs! My fried chicken doesn’t have carbs! (Back to his normal voice) But it’s cleaner than anything. The cleanest. And I think that’s the most important part of the whole thing. See, it all depends how you look at it.

You know, I might be the healthiest president ever because of that. No dirt in my system. Just like my government. Trump’s government. No dirt—no corruption. See, my body is a symbol of my government. We cannot have dirt in the president, much like how we cannot have corruption in the government.

Have you seen what Hillary eats? Need I remind you of the emails?

And that’s why I eat KFC, because it’s the cleanest, purest chicken in the world. Plus, their gravy is out of this world.

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