Local Politics

Young Man with Hands Stuck in Cookie Jars Identified as Donald Trump Jr.

Donnie Jr

By Doug Patrick

NEW YORK–After shouting “help” for several hours and asking countless passersby if they had “seen Dad,” the young man waving his arms with large cookie jars attached was identified as Donald Trump Jr. He was soon escorted from an alleyway on East 154th to the golden lobby of the Trump Tower where he was wrapped in a blanket and given hot cocoa.

When asked what he was doing, Trump Jr. stated he had arranged a meeting in the alley with someone from the Russian government who claimed to have valuable information regarding cookie jar removal. “We chatted for a couple hours, but it didn’t really go anywhere. Was pretty obvious pretty quickly that she only wanted to talk about Russia’s plans moving forward.” Then, after sipping his hot cocoa—a clanging ordeal lasting several minutes—he added, “Which I may or may not know anything about.”

Eyewitnesses report that the boyish 39-year-old was not alone prior to being taken in.

“There were two others,” one New Yorker claimed. “One guy was vaguely familiar; I think I saw him on the news a while back—if I heard his name, I’d probably remember… The other looked like a grownup skeleton boy who just got his first haircut.”

Based on these descriptions, The Skidmo’ Daily figured these men to be President Donald Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, and senior advisor, Jared Kushner.

Trump Jr. quickly confirmed these suspicions.

Manafort has since denied any knowledge of Trump Jr.’s cookie jar hands, and the Trump administration’s connection, in general, to the Russian government.

Kushner, when questioned, only stared in silent deliberation. Sources close to the White House claimed this was typical of Kushner, the soft-spoken brother-in-law of Trump Jr. who “very well might be a genius.” However, after well over an hour passed, he still said nothing.

“Makes sense,” Trump Jr. later explained when asked to comment on Manafort’s and Kushner’s answers while in his office. “I just told them to come meet me by the dark alley. Didn’t tell them what it was about. I couldn’t.” He then displayed his hands, still in jars. “This, well, this is embarrassing.” He claimed he told them the meeting was simply business as usual, trusting they would show up. “Which,” he added, “they may or may not have done.”  Trump Jr. then went back to smashing his keyboard with his jar-hands.

It is unclear if these three men will be pressed any further regarding the cookie jar incident, or their ties with Russia. It is clear, however, that Trump’s White House staff continues to operate smoothly. Or at least the way they always have.

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