By Gill Hurtig
1. Take a shower: Okay, you definitely don’t want to be the student who came back to school without showering. This means that for the entire year you’re going to be the stinky sweaty one. You will always be self-conscious of how you look and smell, and trust me, you’ll have a pretty hard time finding a date. If you do find the time to take a shower before heading back to college, you’ll be clean and well-put-together for the entire year, vastly improving your hygiene and your mood!
2. Relearn how to Read: Relearning how to read is undoubtedly one of the most important steps in your quest to return to school. No, you don’t have to be embarrassed that you forgot the how to read while indulging in your summer shenanigans, it happens to the best of us. What will be embarrassing is getting way behind in your studies, not understanding the materials, and therefore not being able to contribute during class discussions because you forgot to brush up on your ABCs. Do yourself a favor and take a look at those picture books now, before it’s too late.
3. Become an Antilapsarianist: Becoming an advocate of Antilapsarianism is ABSOLUTELY vital when getting ready to head back to school.
4. Charge your phone: When returning to college, one of the most important things students often forget to do is charge their cell phone. What this means of course, is that they will carry around a dead phone for the academic year, making it difficult to find new music, stay updated with the social scene, access “dank” GIFs and memes, and so much more! Charging your phone before going off to college will ensure a more enriching experience socially and academically.
5. Destroy an heirloom of great familial value: Throughout the years, students have had difficulty completing this step. They simply don’t understand the purpose of obliterating an irreplaceable family treasure before heading back to their college or university. Let me explain: We, as sons and daughters, are much more valuable to our family than any material object no matter the price, or history associated with said object. Because we are once again leaving home for the year, our parents will be undoubtedly devastated by our goodbye. The only thing we can do to lift their spirits is to destroy something that will take their mind off our journey, but won’t hurt nearly as much. Makes sense now, doesn’t it?
6. Grow a foot: Growing a foot taller over the summer has many advantages. It will give you an imposing quality that will make your school enemies cower. If you have an awkward history with someone, you may be able to disguise yourself from them with your unbelievable change in height. Also, and this is most important, if a professor confronts you for missing class or skipping an assignment, you can say that your recent growth spurt has made it difficult for your brain to get enough blood, and therefore lapses in work quality is to be expected. This is a great excuse.
7. Grow a foot: If you find yourself unable to grow a foot taller over the summer, growing a third foot—preferably attached to your left calf—will also suffice. This is beneficial for many of the same reasons. People you have a history with won’t recognize you (or maybe they just won’t want to talk to you but either way it’s effective), and you can tell your professor that your grades are lacking because your foot requires much of the blood that would otherwise be going to your brain.
8. Tear off the hindquarters of a whining boar: Come on, we all know about this one.