By Linnea Harris

WASHINGTON DC —  Sources report that the Department of Justice is launching a full-scale investigation of people who brush their teeth in the kitchen.

Recent studies have directly linked the habit of brushing one’s teeth in the kitchen (as opposed to the bathroom like a normal person) with slightly murderous tendencies.

Speaking surpassingly candidly, Attorney General Jeff Sessions had much to say on the matter, stating

“We want to make it clear that it’s EXTREMELY fucked up if you brush your teeth in the kitchen,” said Sessions.  “Like first of all that’s disgusting.  Second of all, the bathroom is literally right there, it just doesn’t make and sense.  We’ve all known that people who brush their teeth in the kitchen are psychopaths, but now by golly we finally got the evidence to prove it, and we’re taking these bastards down.”

Your dad, who does in fact brush his teeth in the kitchen, could not be reached for comment.