By George Lubitz
BETHESDA, MD—In a press release issued this Thursday, the American Council of School Nurses (AMSN) announced new guidelines for all practicing medical professionals in American public schools, the most important of which requires nurses to “put ice on it” for all injuries and illnesses.
Chief of Children’s Motion Rudy Ogden answered questions about the new guidelines at a press conference accompanying the announcement at the AMSN headquarters in Bethesda.
“After expansive research and a nationwide-audit of all school nurse practices and procedures, it became obvious to the council that putting ice on all cuts, bruises, stomachaches, excuses for getting out of tests, and foreign bodies stuck up noses is the best and most effective treatment, across the board.”
Said Ms. Patty, a nurse at Maple Avenue Middle School in Saratoga, “I think these new guidelines are great. A lot of us nurses were already following this notion before it was on paper, but it’s good to have it as an official guideline and make sure all nurses are following the same standard of literally just putting ice on anything that walks into the office.”
Also in the list of new guidelines: making nurse’s office cots much more itchy, requiring an FBI background check before sick students can be released to supposed caregivers, and a requirement that all offices be outfitted with no less than twelve food pyramid posters.