Student No Longer Struggles with Depression, is Now Good at Depression

By Carolyn Smith

After months of living a life revolving around existential dread, John Smith has become semi-functional now that the Fall semester has begun!  Having spent the entire summer taking 6-hour daily naps and distracting himself with meme pages and Netflix documentaries, the junior is now attending his classes and doing the bare minimum amount of studying.  Instead of being sad, John is now minimally productive and sad.  Though still reaping no joy out of life, John is managing to drag through his college career alongside his peers.  John’s determination and Zoloft prescription are giving the strength to take on the year at full force–or at least as full as he’s capable.  Go John!