Opinion Politics

Taking Action: The National Weather Service is Asking Hurricanes to “Please Call Ahead”

By Nick Papazian

In the terrible wake of Hurricanes Irma and Harvey, each devastating the southern US and Puerto Rico, the National Weather Service is finally taking initiative to prevent future hurricanes from further destroying an already damaged nation.  The announcement came at a press conference earlier this week, where a representative from the NWS unveiled their latest plan.

Standing in front of her podium, she told a nearly empty room: “Right now, the US is very busy cleaning up after the hurricanes that have already visited our homeland this year.  We are in fact so busy that we cannot accommodate any more hurricanes at this time.  This is why, if you are a hurricane, and you are listening to this, we would like to ask you to please call ahead and fill out a reservation form.

This is groundbreaking.

“The NWS website has a new reservations page just for hurricanes,” the representative continued. “When you go to our website, you can find the link to our reservations form on the sidebar under the weather display map.”

The representative then showed us the reservations form, which the NWS has graciously allowed us to publish a copy of.

Gender:     M     F     Other Category:    1    2    3    4    5
Where would you like to visit?
What dates would be most convenient for you?


How much property damage will you be inflicting?
Will you require financial aid?                 Yes     No
If yes, how much?                  $_____________________
Which celebrity will be sponsoring your visit?
Would you consent to being featured in the news?   Yes     No
Phone Number:

Take that, hurricanes.

The NWS has gone above and beyond here.  We won’t have to worry about severe storms or hurricanes devastating the American south from now on.  With this security measure in place, America will be much safer. And maybe, in the future, our TV news programs will be able to focus less on the tragic stories of severe weather damaging Puerto Rico and Houston, and spend more time yelling at kneeling NFL players. Although, frankly, they’re already doing that.

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