A Message from Glotzbach about Wall-Punching

Glotzbach punching

By Phillip G. Glotzbach

A great debate has emerged on our campus about whether or not students should punch holes in the walls of their dorms and apartments. Some argue that, “No, you shouldn’t punch holes in the wall.” Others, however, have put forward, “Fuck it, make holes.” As the democratically elected president of Skidmore College, I feel that it is important that students and the greater Skidmore community know where I stand. And personally, I really don’t give a shit if you punch a hole in the wall — actually I’m kinda for it.

Some may wonder why the president of an institution would be ok with students causing physical damage to that institution. And the reason I’m cool with it is quite simple: punching holes in the walls is a time honored Skidmore tradition.

Who can forget when Ian Shwartz, one of the very first men to attend Skidmore, shattered the glass ceiling by putting a dent the size of a baseball in the 2nd floor hallway of Wiecking? That was a seminal moment for this school, and one we should be proud of to this day.

But it is more than just a proud tradition I am defending, it is also a great source of revenue for the school. Do you know how much plaster and white paint cost? Obviously you don’t or ya’ll would be up in arms over how much we are up charging for repairs.

In conclusion, to the students of Skidmore I say this: as long as the Glotz is here, you may punch walls without fear!

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One comment

  1. Having punched very few holes in the walls of Skidmore, I’m on the fence about the issue. My main concern is the poor quality of satirical fact checking. If men got here in the early 70s and Wiecking wasn’t built until the late 80s (nor called Wiecking until 2003), it would mean that Ian waited until at least his 15yr reunion to inflict damage on Skidmore’s fair plasterboard. Surely the glass ceiling was shattered long before then. FurtherMore… Why omit the rich history of women punching holes in walls? While written accounts are scarce before the 1930s, when gypsum panels began to replace traditional plaster over lath construction, maintenance records from the old campus show dozens of known wall repairs. A little research into infirmary logs correlates some of those repairs with bandaging and casting related to fist, knee, and foot injuries. This is common knowledge to everyone who spent Thanksgiving trapped alone in the college archives, so these facts should hardly be beyond the ken of a Skidmo’ Daily/Glotzbach message.

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