Popping Pills: Sitting Down With a Proud User

By Lizette Roman-Johnston

To the administration’s dismay, Skidmore College is often considered famous for its drug scene. In 2013, Skidmore replaced UC Boulder on the Princeton Review’s annual “reefer madness” list (Boulder remains famous, however, for appearing in that one Chainsmokers song; we wonder if this truly is a win). Undoubtedly, our students are known for their marijuana smoking, but many people overlook the demand for stimulants. Why do students seem to need them so much, and how are they getting them?

We sat down with a first year who recently discovered a drug that works for him. At the risk of getting in trouble for drug possession and consumption, the student has kept himself anonymous.

The first year had been experiencing low energy, a lack of motivation, and an inability to focus. Instead of trying caffeine or getting more than four hours of sleep, the first year went for the more obvious solution: drugs.

“My buddies tried Ritalin in high school, said it helped them both study and party. I figured that’s exactly what I needed,” the first year told Skidmo’. “So initially, I scoured campus for Ritalin or Adderall.” But when he embarked upon his quest, the student found something better.

“This little pink pill can make you feel on top of the fucking world,” the first year stated. We asked what was in the pill that made it so desirable. He reported, “I don’t know much about the science behind it, but I think my dealer said something about folic acid. Acid, man. How trippy is that?” When we asked him what benefits the pill provided, the first year raved about how healthy and well-nourished he feels. “My buddies say I have this new glow. I’ve had way fewer mood swings, too.”

After the student listed a few more benefits of the drug, we asked what else his friends noticed about him. “Well, I like to think I’ve been really kind and nurturing toward them, but they’ve complained that I’ve been acting like the ‘mom’ of the group. It doesn’t insult me, though. I just want everyone to be safe and happy.”

After we asked if there were any side effects of this mysterious pink pill, the first year reported, “Not really. I feel great… Well, my nipples have gotten a lot plumper, but I don’t see a huge problem with that.”

This raised our eyebrows a bit, so we asked if the student had any of these pills on him so we could take a look. “Sure,” he said before pulling a canister out of his backpack. “But please give them back. My dealer has gone dry for the rest of the semester.”

While examining the pills, one of our team members noticed a resemblance to ones his sister had been taking—Women’s One-A-Day Prenatal Vitamins.

“I have no regrets,” the student told Skidmo’ before taking back the pills and popping one into his mouth. He gracefully exited the interview, a warm smile on his face.

And there you have it, Skidmo’ Daily readers—drug use without the jitters, without the come-down, without the legislation. Are plumper nipples the only thing we have to worry about these days? Will young people continue to discover healthier alternatives to recreational drugs? We hope you consider this news story when choosing how to get that extra boost of energy and focus you need to get through college.

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