Tween Says She’d Clean Her Room if Dad Wasn’t So Stupid


By Doug Patrick

BAY VILLAGE, OH–Following a particularly explosive argument at dinner with her father, 12-year-old Cathy Briggs has locked herself in her room for several hours. A mix of Simple Plan and Good Charlotte can be heard blaring through the walls. Those closest to the situation are unsure as to when the tween will emerge.

“Could be a few more hours, could be till next morning,” said Cathy’s mother. “Whenever she gets hungry enough to come down to the kitchen.”

“She’ll tire herself out soon,” added Cathy’s brother.

“I don’t know. One time, Adam W. took one of Cathy’s Nintendo DS games without asking, and she didn’t talk to him for the whole rest of the week,” reported Cathy’s best friend, Bethany.

Cathy became despondent when her father broached the subject of her messy room. She had been planning on visiting Bethany’s house after dinner, but her father wanted her to put away the clothes strewn about the floor and bring down any cups or plates she had left up there prior to driving her.

“I don’t think I was being unreasonable,” Cathy’s father said. “Cathy’s sensitive, so I try and bring things up gently, but obviously that didn’t work this time. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to talk to my daughter.”

Although Cathy refused to exit her room or turn down the music, she agreed to speak to Skidmo through her closed door. “Dad thinks all I do is whine, whine, whine. But I don’t. He probably didn’t even tell you that he made porkchops for dinner. I told him just yesterday that I’m a vegetarian now. So, he doesn’t listen to anything I say and then he screams at me to clean my room, and somehow I’m the sensitive one?”

“I did not scream at you,” Cathy’s father interrupted.

“Oh my god—this is my interview.” Cathy yelled.

Although this reporter tried to get control of the situation, he failed miserably. What transpired was Cathy’s family all coming upstairs, just outside Cathy’s door, to try and coax her out. Still, she refused.

A long silence ensued.

Cathy’s father said, “I’ll still take you to Bethany’s; I just want you to pick up a few things in your room first.”

“Maybe I’d clean my room if you weren’t so stupid,” she replied.

Rather than grow angry, Cathy’s father simply sighed and said, “Okay.”

Back downstairs, the family apologized for Cathy’s tantrum. They insisted over and over that she almost never acts this way.

“I’m not throwing a tantrum,” Cathy called from the top of the stairs. And just before slamming her door once again, she screamed, “I literally hate this family.”

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