By Nick Papazian
Look: I’m going to ask you how your break went. Of course I am. It seems like this time of year it’s practically obligatory to figure out what everybody was up to for the past month. But honestly? I could not fucking care less.
I’ve been in college for four years now and I stopped wanting to ask you about your break year fucking one, but I’ll look like a jerk if I don’t so we’re doing this again. Did you celebrate Christmas? Yeah? Cool. No? Also cool. Neither answer is going to make me care more about your holiday season. I’m not really religious but my family does Christmas. Were you interested in that fact? You were not. Which one of your family members passed out drunk this time? Of course it was grandma, we both know what she’s like. Except I don’t know what she’s like, and I don’t care, the same way that you don’t care about my 30 year old cousin throwing up on my Aunt Sue. Was your uncle being racist again? Join the club. My uncle was singing Trump’s praises during the whole goddamned Christmas dinner. You’re not special. I bet you just relaxed all of January as well, without doing a single interesting or notable thing. Well I did, too. I just slept and saw some old friends. It was really nice, too, but you wouldn’t catch me blabbering on about it to you, would you?
And do you know what the worst part is? I have to ask you and everybody else the same goddamn question. I’ll probably have to hear responses like “oh, it was pretty relaxed– I didn’t do much” or “yeah it was nice to spend time with family” or “dude I ate so much at *insert holiday here* dinner” hundreds of times this week. And I don’t want to hear any of it.
This is just a friendly reminder to you and everybody else that I’m going to see this week. Yes, I am going to ask you how your winter break went. I might even act interested. But I’m going to make this perfectly clear right now:
I don’t actually give a fuck.