Student Unsure if They Have an Iron Deficiency or Just Fucking Hate Everything

By Doug Patrick

Experiencing weeks of extreme tiredness, levels of irritability, and inability to concentrate, sophomore Greg Anderson checked himself into Health Services. “It was going on for so long, me never wanting to do anything, that I started thinking something was wrong with me.”

Listening to Anderson describe the situation, his nurse believed he was experiencing the same symptoms as one suffering from an iron deficiency. She decided to test his blood, but his iron levels appeared normal.

Upon receiving the news, Anderson became despondent. His nurse told Skidmo’, “He just kept sitting there, staring straight ahead, saying ‘Nothing makes sense.’”

When asked about his reaction, Anderson said, “I thought I finally figured it out. You know, like, maybe I just had low iron—that’s what was making me feel this way. But, instead, I found out the world is really just a dark and cruel place.”

Comparing similar cases to Anderson’s, college healthcare professionals are now determining a different cause for his symptoms: Fucking hating everything. Fucking hating everything manifests itself into angst, general contempt, and fatigue, oftentimes coinciding with clinical depression or it’s slightly healthier cousin: crippling anxiety. Sometimes both, which can create a powerful cocktail of self-destruction.

Anderson confirmed, “What does it even matter? Everything sucks.”

However, because this research remains new, treatment plans have yet to be developed. Until one emerges, Greg was given iron supplements just in case. “You can’t ever be too certain,” the nurse said. “But if it’s just a little run-in with the glooms, I recommend he take a walk.”

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