Big Show Headliner Can’t Wait to Perform for Worst Crowd of Career

By George Lubitz

WILLIAMSON SPORTS CENTER— It was reported this week that the headliner for next year’s Big Show performance was looking forward to performing in front of what would become the worst crowd of their career.

The headliner, who by any reasonable stretch of the imagination was an exciting and talented musician/comedian, was reportedly daydreaming fondly of getting on stage before a group of drunk, loud, and disrespectful ingrates.

“I just can’t wait to try to sing my music over the depressing murmur of uninterested and awkward students who would much rather be somewhere else,” the future headliner noted. “I mean, playing a college is a really big step in my career, so the absolute gut punch of performing for these judgmental and low-energy pricks is something I really look forward to.”

According to SEC president Jared Brownstein, who runs the club that books the talent for Big Show, the task of next year’s concert (and of every Big Show) was finding a performer who was adored by all, had a reputation for putting on great shows, yet still somehow managed to fail in the eyes of the Skidmore student body.

Says Mr. Brownstein, “It’s always a challenge to find someone that everybody likes. What’s more, finding someone so universally enjoyed that students still manage to completely disrespect whichever artist is announced for the October tradition. In the future, we’re looking to book a Nobel Peace Prize recipient.”

At press time, it was also reported that the upcoming headliner shared with friends that they really hopes someone throws a bottle of water at her opener, or that a student who was on their phone the whole concert has the gall to ask for a selfie afterwards.

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