Valentine’s Day is all about getting together. Breaking up is all about being alone. But sometimes it’s nice to be alone. By yourself. It’s peaceful. It’s calm. It’s–liberating? It’s…
No. Breakups are sad. Period. So, we asked our staff about their favorites, because that makes sense.
“I’ve never enjoyed a breakup. That’s a really weird question.”
“My ex broke up with me via text after we went to a Coldplay concert.”
“When I broke up with my ex, he pulled off a mask and revealed himself to be Wesley from The Princess Bride. He blew me a kiss and whispered, “as you wish” before disappearing into the night?
Doug Patrick, Editor
“Please tell me you have a better article idea than this.”
“My friend’s girlfriend at the time worked as a telemarketer for Viagra. Every day at work, she would call him at least 4-5 times from the company phone because she missed him and “hoped he would buy some Viagra to improve their sex life” despite them both being in their mid-20s and perfectly healthy. Needless to say, she broke up with him after a while because he refused to support her company and solve his (non-existent) erectile dysfunction.”
“In my freshmen year of high school, I was dating a hulking Italian boy who was in my orchestra class (we bonded over a classroom icebreaker in which you had to find someone who shared your favorite food; we both liked lasagna). Throughout our two-month relationship, we kissed twice and never saw each other outside school. Still, we loved each other, or at least he said he loved me on Facebook messenger, which—maybe—is even more special, because it’s written down and permanently embedded into the internet. Well, around Valentine’s Day, I got him a stuffed bear holding a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Later, he said that we shouldn’t do gifts, because he didn’t have his own money and didn’t want his parents finding out about us. A secret romance—boy, was it steamy. A week or two before we officially broke up, he started “ghosting” me while simultaneously being seen hanging out with the new girl from Florida. Before I suspected that anything was wrong, I came across a Facebook post saying my boyfriend was married to this new girl. I just about begged him to not break up with me. It takes a strong woman to beg for love. Two weeks later, the couple was seen kissing and holding hands in the school hallways. He and I stayed friends.”
“I have thoroughly enjoyed all of my breakups.”
“My ex ghosted me after Halloween. What a fun and spooky surprise!!”
“There was this one breakup that I remember really fondly. We were flying over the Andes in Chile when one of the plane’s engines exploded. As we plummeted towards the icy, jagged mountain terrain, I held my lover’s hand tightly, and told her I loved her. Just seconds before impact she leaned over and whispered, “I think we should just be friends.” I was the lone survivor of the crash, and suffered in the mountains for three days before I was rescued. That was a really great breakup.”