A Definitive Ranking of Herbs and Spices

By Connor Batsimm

Spice jars with fresh rosmary leaves against white

17. Celery seed – If it can’t be stuffed with peanut butter and raisins, it’s not fucking celery.

16. Dill – This is the spice you use if you want all your food to taste like a tuna fish sandwich. If you like dill, you’re probably a dad who spends his free time planning neighborhood cookouts and stealing 5 irons from the nearest driving range.

15. Onion powder – Garlic powder’s lame friend that it insists on dragging along to parties.

14. Star anise – Why is this black licorice pretending to be a starfish? What does this look like, the fucking aquarium?

13. Turmeric – Ginger for hipsters.

12. Mustard powder – This is some hardcore shit. This is like Grey Poupon distilled into a powder and laced with bath salts. This is like crystal meth for people who own food trucks. Nobody who cooks with mustard powder has ever made it past age sixty.

11. Coriander – I’ll be honest, I have no idea what the fuck this is.

10. Oregano – Haha this stuff looks like weed #420blazeit

9. Garlic powder – If scooping minced garlic out of a jar was too much work for you, here’s garlic powder to make life even easier for your lazy ass.

8. Sugar – I bet you thought you were going to be #1, didn’t you sugar? Well just because you won every beauty pageant as a kid and got voted prom queen six years in a row and have 500 heart reacts on your profile picture, doesn’t mean you get to win this list. Fuck you sugar, you spoiled brat.

7. Black pepper – What people who eat at the Olive Garden use to make their food spicy.

6. Paprika – Zesty af.

5. Basil – Basil is that nice spice you’d take home to meet your parents. If basil wore shirts, they would always be perfectly ironed. Basil graduated magna cum laude from spice school with a degree in table manners. You might get bored of basil’s goody-two-shoes aesthetic and fuck around with some wilder spices, but remember basil always has your back.

4. Mint – Whether it’s thin, junior, from the Andes, or just making your breath smell great, this is a real all-star herb.

3. Chili powder – Fuck me up, fam.

2. Cumin – All the traffic lights are green. You hear sirens. You look in the rearview mirror and see that a cop car is pulling you over, so you drift to the edge of the road and slow to a halt. The police officer approaches your car. They’re large and have extremely tall, curly purple hair, like Marge Simpson. You roll the window down. “I’m sorry, was I speeding?” you ask. You hope you don’t seem too drunk. “Step out of the car,” says the officer. You step out of the car. The officer circles the car, poking at it with long, hooked fingers. They peer into the back of the car and stop dead in their tracks. “That’s an awful lot of cumin,” they say. “It is,” you agree. “What’re you planning on doing with all of that?” they ask you. “I don’t know. Make some curry, maybe?” you respond. “Okay, I’m going to need you to come back to the station with me,” the officer says. “Why?” you ask? “Is it because I’ve been drinking?” “Have you been drinking?” the officer asks. Shit, you shouldn’t have said that. You dive into the taxi cab and floor the gas. From your rearview mirror, you see the officer climb into their car and speed towards you. You’re not sure you’re going to make it out of this one alive. You’re very drunk, and the taxi cab is old and slow. But at least you have a shit ton of cumin.

1. Salt – Salt is the best spice, obviously.

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