GUYS, MOM HAS A HICKEY. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

By Connor Batsimm

Okay, so I know our parents are regular people with lives of their own and whatever, but you’re not going to believe this shit: MOM HAS A HICKEY. That’s right. The scarf she’s been wearing around the house, even though every room is always at least 70 degrees? She was using it to cover the hickey up!

Crazy, right? I knew something was off when she met me at the airport and immediately started asking questions about my dating life. I mean, Mom and I don’t talk about that stuff, so it was definitely weird. And then, during family game night two days into break, she leaned over to shuffle a deck of cards, the scarf slipped, and THERE IT WAS. About the size and shape of a golf ball, right in the center of her neck. It was pretty dark too. Whoever gave it to her really didn’t hold back.

So, who gave it to her?? That’s the big question here, right? The obvious answer is Dad, but there’s no way that bland, sad, marshmallow of a man is kinky enough to give anyone a hickey. Plus, he has weak teeth and can barely eat carrot sticks, let alone leave dark, golf ball-sized sex marks on Mom. Don’t get me wrong, I hope it was him – it’d really suck if Mom and Dad got divorced. But c’mon, Dad wears sweaters and listens to Frank Sinatra. It’s definitely not him.

My money is on Keith, our tall, tanned next door neighbor. His pearly-white teeth could definitely have done some damage on Mom’s neck. Then again, he drives a minivan, and he always brings turkey burgers to the neighborhood cookouts, so his kinky factor is probably pretty low. But maybe all that stuff with the turkey burgers is just a front, and once his clothes come off he turns full Christian Grey? If it was him, good for Mom. Again, I obviously want Mom and Dad to stay together, but Keith is a catch. He better treat her well though. And if he starts parking his mini van in our driveway, I’m spending next break at school.

So, who gave Mom that hickey? And are Mom and Dad getting a divorce? So many questions left unanswered. If you hear anything, let me know, but maybe, you know, don’t go into too many details? This is Mom we’re talking about, after all.

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