Two Students Too Polite to Poo

By Ethan Celebuski

The bathrooms of Skidmore each have their own personality. Whether they are used for their mirrors, for their toilets, or to look up the answer to the last question on your chemistry test, the Skidmore bathrooms have always been there for you. But what happens when a sanctuary turns to a prison? That is precisely what happened to Michael Williams and Jacob Parker last Thursday. The two students entered the second floor bathroom in Harder only seconds apart. The two students were cheek to seat before they realized that they were not alone. It wasn’t until Jacob caught a passing glance at his Kohler counterpart’s shoes that his doom dawned on him.

“I never would have gone into the stall if I knew he was in the other one,” Michael recounted from the toilet.

The students fell back on the unspoken rule; don’t shit when someone is in the next stall. The rule has worked for centuries. Always, without fail, one person breaks the silence and loses social capital. However, these two men were raised too well. Both fearing the embarrassment of letting their insides out, the toilet twins have been in the dirty bathroom stalls for 13 days.

“At this point, I’m just waiting for him to die. He’ll never poop. I can feel it. I can feel the willpower. I had chipotle before I went in here so I don’t know how much longer I can take it,” Jacob whispered to me through the slit in the stall.

The steadfast stool sitters have resorted to drinking toilet water to avoid dehydration and rumors are spreading that Michael has already eaten three of his fingers. A fools mistake as he is just adding to his payload. With both phones dead, the porcelain princes are staying sharp by adding up the numbers on their Skidmore IDs and banging their heads against the wall behind them. Skidmore has become the unlikely host of what may be the most noble stand-off in the history of the world. We may never see the end of this fecal faceoff, but we can do our duty and tip our pants for these brave men.

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