by Connor Batsimm, Skidmo’ Treasurer
Whassup guys?! Connor, Skidmo’ Treasurer here. I’m really psyched to announce that our proposed budget for the 2018-2019 school year was approved by the SGA (isn’t the SGA great? They’re pretty great, right?)!!! We’re on the shortlist for Club of the Year (this part isn’t even a bit, we actually are somehow), so we were able to make some pretty ambitious financial requests. So get pumped about these awesome new changes that are coming to your favorite college satire mag!!!!
Guest Speakers – $1,500,000
We’re going to have some rad guest speakers next year! We aren’t 100% positive who we’re bringing yet, but our current plan is to throw Reggie Watts and Dwayne the Rock Johnson onstage together, and just see what the fuck happens.
Sabotage – $12,000
Who are we going to sabotage? Everyone, hopefully. Definitely Skid News. Probably President Glotzbach. Maybe we’ll bribe members of prominent a cappella groups to sing one half-step off key for the entirety of their next show. We’ve got twelve-thousand-fucking-dollars. Anything is possible.
More Mountain Dew Content – $10,000
Since our Mountain Dew-sponsored April Fool’s Edition was a huge success, that definitely wasn’t nonsensical or alienating to anyone, we’re going all in. Next year, we’re going to have Mountain Dew banners, Mountain Dew t-shirts, Mountain Dew top hats, even Mountain Dew cigars. We’re going to hire a student to dress up as a Mountain Dew can and run around Case Green, shouting out Skidmo’ Daily article titles. We might even host a Mountain Dew sponsored BMX rally in Glotzbach’s front yard. We’re agents of chaos!!! We do what we want!!!
Better Refreshments – $3,000
Our Domino’s days are over, baby!! Next Skidmo’ meeting, we’ll have roasted scallop crostini and mimosas, to ensure that our paper stays super classy.
Cocaine – $1,700
We at the Skidmo’ Daily have always been upfront about our collective love for cocaine. So why not share some of that love? At our next tabling event, we’ll have complimentary baggies of cocaine for any lucky student who passes by!!!
Secret Budget – ?
This is for us to know, and for you to probably never find out about.