By Max LoSardo
After long and isolated summers, it takes some Skidmore students a little while to get back in the groove of college life. Luckily, the Skidmo’ Daily’s own Max LoSardo will take you through the tricks and tips you need to have a lit semester.
1) Bring a Six Pack of Beer
Look, it may be a little “old fashioned,” but six ice cold cans of your favorite bruski will be just enough to get you on that dance floor and groovin’ to the music. Whether you wanna keep it simple, (Bud Light, Natural Light) or you wanna pump up the bass (Miller High Life, Budweiser aka America), a six pack is a can’t-miss.
2) Bring a Keg
Sure, a six pack may be sufficient for your first hour or so, but folks WILL want to join in on the beer action. So why not spread the love and bring a gallon of God’s Finest Nectar for all who desire. I may not know a lot about interior decorating, but wherever you place that keg will become the centerpiece of the room. Put it in the kitchen. Put it in the bathroom. Put it in the goddamn street. There is no bad location for a keg. Feng shui, right?
3) Bring Two Kegs
Listen listen listen. I know what you might be saying. “Max, aren’t two kegs a little overkill? I don’t wanna try too hard, you know what I mean?” Look, I understand and almost barely respect the concern, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Assuming there are more people at the party than there were in the Jonas Brothers, that beer is gone. Pronto. Not only will people forget that you were the one to even bring the beer in the first place, they’ll know that it is ALL YOUR FAULT that there is no more left. Bring two kegs. You will run out. People are counting on you.
4) Replace the House’s Water Ducts with Beer
You want to be cool, right? You want people to like you? You want everyone to have a good time? Then do not think for a second that you’re gonna half-ass this. Kegs are great and all but I get the sense that you do in fact want to take it to another level. Kegs run out. They get stolen. Knocked over. But you know what doesn’t? THE FUCKING HOUSE. That’s right. You’re gonna want to get in there a solid week before the party and start getting to work. Showers, sinks, toilets, refrigerators. Turning every last handle in the house must result in more beer. Drown the place. Turn on every faucet and let you and your comrades soak in the heavenly liquid that is beer and you will be appreciated for the savior that you are. But you can do more.
5) Literally Be Beer
You heard me. All of this is shit that anyone can do. But only you can be. When you walk into the room, you obviously want people to appreciate the beer that you’ve given them, but you need them to appreciate the beer that you are. Heads will turn as you walk through the doors. “Oh my God… Are they beer?” Yeah, that’s fucking right you’re beer. And you’re the goddamn life of the party.