by Clare McInerney
Look, we get it. You thought it was a good idea. You went to the apartment party workshop, you filled out absolutely none of the paperwork, and you threw that epic rager last night. Now it is morning, and you are left only with the solemn thoughts of your own mind. To help cope with the feelings you are inevitably grappling with right now, here is a firsthand account of the seven stages of party-hosting grief:
11:00am: SHOCK AND DENIAL
You roll out of bed. Time to have some sweet, sweet breakfast. You open your bedroom door, suddenly walloped by the smell of stale beer. There is no way ALL of these cups are still full.*
*Spoiler: they are, and your feet stick to the floor with each step toward the kitchen table.
11:07am: PAIN AND GUILT
You scan the room, only to realize there is no hope of getting your living space clean in a timely manner. Your head pounds, and you sink into the couch in a wave of regret. How could you have done this to yourself AGAIN?, you ask. You make some pre-cleaning eggs in an attempt to ease the pain of your mistakes.
11:35am: ANGER AND BARGAINING
Now that you’ve eaten, you realize in a moment of clarity that your housemates are just as equally guilty, but where are they in your time of need? You certainly didn’t put all this beer on the floor yourself! With each half-full Bud Light you desperately dump into the trash, your blood boils until finally you decide to break out your sick Bluetooth Speaker™ in an attempt to rouse at least one of your housemates from their pleasant slumber.
11:52am: DEPRESSION, REFLECTION AND LONELINESS
Somehow, each of your housemates is still asleep by the time you’ve finished dumping every precious can down the drain. The weight of the task at hand starts to bear down on your mental energy. You think to yourself: I used to beg for quiet in the living room; but now, as your dirty, empty home stares deep into every corner of your soul, you wish to God someone will wake up soon to help pull you out of your misery.
12:11pm: THE UPWARD TURN
You hear a door open and close somewhere in your house. Your spirits momentarily lift. You hear the bathroom door slam and the shower sputter to life. Alas, you are still alone, mopping up hours’ worth of spilt beer and broken tortilla chips.
12:40pm: RECONSTRUCTION AND WORKING THROUGH
After a full hour of power cleaning, you take a moment to thank yourself for your own hard work. You have just trudged through the several stages of emotion associated with cleaning up after your own drunken tomfoolery, all on your own, no less.
12:56pm: ACCEPTANCE AND HOPE
Finally, your home has gone from looking like a frat house basement to a baseline level of untidiness that your hungover heart can actually accept. Now that it’s after noon, you reward yourself with an ice cold Bud Light, and a silent promise never to host again.