By Max LoSardo & Hannah Kotler
Washington, DC — Further complicating the Senate Judiciary Committee’s investigation into allegations of sexual assault, Brett Kavanaugh arrived resembling an adult sized baby, sporting a full diaper and bib. Before being questioned, Kavanaugh proceeded to throw a baseball bat-sized rattle across the senate floor, almost injuring Senators Cory Booker and Amy Klobuchar.
As his testimony was underway, Kavanaugh repeatedly called the hearing “not fair,” claimed “he’s a big boy now,” and that “he wants his mommy.” After Senator Dianne Feinstein called for a suspension of the hearing until Kavanaugh had a timeout, Senator Lindsey Graham proceeded to pick up Kavanaugh and place a beer filled bottle in his his mouth, quieting the fuming judge.
After rocking Kavanaugh back and forth for the duration of questioning, Graham expressed skepticism at the accusations raised by Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. “Well I believe it’s pretty evident Judge Kavanaugh really really wants to be on the Supreme Court. And he’s been a very good boy recently so I will most certainly vote yes. I implore all of my Republican colleagues to do the same.”
At press time, Graham dismissed Dr. Ford’s testimony as “hysterical,” “childish,” and “certainly unfit for the Supreme Court.”