How to Use The Mail

by Ethan Kleppner

Sometimes when we participate in dumb, old-people activities like sending notes to grandma or voting, we have to use the mail. But how does one do that? Well, have no fear my fellow Gen Zs, because I’ve figured it out!

Step One: Write a letter

It’s like one of those annoying Snapchats where you cover the camera with your finger and just write text, except it’s on paper and you have to write it by hand. I think. Also, maybe you can send other things too? Like money? Or paperwork? Or absentee ballots? I’m not sure.

Step Two: Put it in an envelope

Think of this as the Juul and your letter is the Juul pod. Get it?

Step Three: Seal the envelope

You have to lick across the flap and close it. I know, super gross!  

Step Four: Write the address of the recipient 

You do this on the front (the side without the flap.) The first line of the address is the name; the second is the street address; the third is the town, state, and zip code (which is kinda like an IP address but for a town).

Step Four Subsection A: Oh wait, maybe you should write the address before putting the letter in the envelope?

I guess then the envelope is flat and it’s easier to write. I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t matter?

Step Five: Write your own address on the other side of the envelope

This should be on top of the flap. Maybe you should do this before putting the letter in too? Ugh.

Step Six: Bring it to the post office

This is on the first floor of Case Center. I’m almost 100% sure of this one. Double check, though.

Step Six and One Quarter: Hang on, I just remembered you have to put a stamp on it!

Dammit, I knew I was forgetting something. Okay, so stamps are these little stickers that cost money and you have to put it on the envelope (I know, it’s dumb). The stamp goes on the upper left corner. Or maybe it’s the right corner. I’m confused.

Step Seven: Put it in the outgoing mail slot, and you’re done!

Old people technology sure is janky AF, am I right?



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