by Hannah Kotler
SKIDMORE COLLEGE–Following the news of President Glotzbach’s surprise retirement announcement, Skidmo’ Daily inside reporters have in fact confirmed that the decision comes after numerous years of hurt feelings at the hands of a one college satire magazine.
Glotzbach, in his official statement, made it known that several articles and jokes made at his expense are indeed the cause of his decision to step down as Skidmore College President: “I’ve served this college and community for 15 years, but let me tell you, these last 5 have been brutal. It all started with that damn founder, Jack-what’s-his-face, and it’s only gotten worse from there. The Skidmo’ Daily newspaper is a biased, liberal source that spews countless lies. I’ve fuckin’ had it and I’m out of here. I don’t have to deal with this bullshit anymore; leave that shit for the next sucker who takes my place.”
In a follow-up statement, Glotzbach persisted in his efforts to slander the satirical magazine while attempting to gain pity from readers for the bruised ego he has procured over the years. However, Glotzbach did finally announce plans for The G Spot Bar & Grill*, coming April 2020, cementing the next step in his career.
*The G Spot Bar & Grill is in no way affiliated with the fictional restaurant proposed in this October 2017 Skidmo’ web article. All product and company names are the registered trademarks of their original owner, Philip A. Glotzbach. Seriously, we don’t know what you’re talking about.