Adam Schiff’s Original Speech on St. Louis-style Bagels

By George Lubitz 

Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) spoke recently to his Republican peers of the US House Permanent Select Committee of Intelligence about how he doesn’t “think it’s OK” that then-presidential candidate Donald J. Trump and his campaign discussed potential dirt on Hilary Clinton.

That impassioned speech originally began as a rant against the now-viral so-called “St. Louis-style” sliced bagels. Thanks to a source, who identified themselves only as an aide to Chairman Schiff, we now have that original draft.

“My colleagues may think it’s OK that bagels are cut any way other than horizontally.

You may think it’s OK that an office employee tried not-so-creatively to skirt around buying a few more than a dozen bagels for a staff of more than 30.

You may think it’s OK that the good name of America’s favorite breakfast food has been dragged through the mud and sliced thin and sideways.

I don’t think it’s OK.”

“You may think it is OK that bagels were served in any way other than New York-style or Montreal-style, whatever that is.

You may think it is OK that the bagel artist at Einsteins Bagels wittingly or unwittingly obligated this bagel malefactor and cut the bagels sinfully so.

You may think it is OK that the only way to properly enjoy a sliver of one of those limp bagel chips is by dipping one into a cold and firm tub of strawberry or garden vegetable cream cheese, rendering the whole project useless.

I don’t think it’s OK.”

“You might think it’s OK that the man charged with providing essential sustenance to an entire office of hungry workers said he ‘would love it’ if bagels were cut thin and vertically.

“But I do not think that conduct, criminal or not, is OK. And the day we do think that’s OK is the day we will look back and say that is the day that America lost its way.”

“It is a moral and ethical concern that this man dirtied the institution of a proper bagel with his wanton abandon.

“And that is the subject of our hearing today.”

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