Bernie Sanders Postpones Funeral for After Democratic Primary

This article was initially published in the April 2019 edition of the Skidmo’ Daily.

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By Max LoSardo

In his push for the Democratic nomination for president, Senator Bernie Sanders, 77, has scheduled his respective funeral in accordance with the primaries. Mr. Sanders, an Independent senator from Vermont, has faced repeated criticism from both sides of the isle regarding his age, as he would oldest elected president to take office.

“I understand the concerns of the voters,” Mr. Sanders said in a statement to the Skidmo’ Daily. “I am certainly not a youth any longer, and although I feel as spry as I spring chicken, I am certainly getting up there in years. So with this in mind, I will be postponing my potential death to at least the end of the Democratic primaries.” Mr. Sanders hopes the move will increase his standing with voters 18-35 years old, who have recently turned to the campaigns of Beto O’Rourke, who is 46, and Pete Buttigieg, who is 37.

When pressed on why Sanders wouldn’t move his funeral until after the general election in November, he pivoted away from the topic, saying “Look, my supporters deserve their chance to make their voices heard and cast their vote for our campaign – I’m not going to jinx anything and discuss beyond the the primaries.”

At press time, the Skidmo’ Daily learned that fellow candidate and former Vice President Joe Biden, who is 76, is moving his funeral up to next week to avoid witnessing the election itself.

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