By Will Kertzman
#1. Berger-Strauss Bar Mitzvah of ‘03
This Bar Mitzvah started out as a classy affair. The Berger-Strauss white fish empire had paid for the whole thing, and little Mikey who was the Bar Mitzvah boy couldn’t have been more thrilled that day. However, once Flint showed up, all hell broke lose. Flint’s tongue-and-cheek delivery of the Haftorah tore the place to pieces and by the time the party rolled around there were several Senegalese businessmen running into the hills with fistfuls of cash. By the time the cops showed up Flint was gone and the Berger-Strauss white fish empire was finished.
#2. Menkoicz Bar Mitzvah of ‘98
A similar start to this story. Bond-trader Joseph “Bubba” Menkoicz had made it big on Wall Street in the summer of ’98 and decided to throw his son Yeshiva the Bar Mitzvah of the 90s. The service was held at the Temple Beth-Shmuel on Atlantic Avenue and the entire Jewish Community of Gowanus was there. The party was held at Barclay’s Center and for the first hour or so it seemed that Yeshiva’s Bar Mitzvah was going to be legendary. However, once Flint showed up and drove a herd of cattle into the arena the party got taken to another level. By hour two Flint had the Rabbi in a chokehold and was chugging a gallon of chicken broth, both completely unprompted. No one who was there remembers what happened after that, but Yeshiva woke up the next morning in Raleigh, North Carolina painting a bull’s-eye on a live Donkey.
#3. Yehuda Bar Mitzvah of ‘11
A more recent edition but still noteworthy. This Bar Mitzvah was crazy from the moment little Jacob Yehuda approached the lectern and began to read his Maftir. Flint came in wielding a leather whip and commanded the synagogue to get up and “shake they legs.” Jacob didn’t even get to blow the shofar before a SWAT team raided the place and found several Senegalese businessmen making long-distance phone calls to the Yakuza in the lobby. Jacob Yehuda was called in for questioning that night and still resides at Riker’s Island serving a 30 year sentence for buying an endangered reptile and setting it lose in a Synagogue.
#4. Himmelstein-Schwaun Bar Mitzvah of ‘96
Possibly the most infamous case on our list, though certainly not the craziest, the Himmelstein-Shwaun Bar Mitzvah has gone down in Los Angeles County History for being one of the most dangerous events to ever take place in that county only topped by the LA Riots of 1992. Held the famous Temple Sinai in Westwood, Marty Himmelstein, son of movie mogul Benjamin Himmelstein and cutthroat agent Deborah Schwaun, had a guest list that numbered close to 500. The party was held at an exclusive location in Malibu and was Jumanji themed. Flint showed up during the speeches and immediately turned the whole affair upside down. By 10 pm there was gunfire and smoke over Malibu and the National Guard was deployed. A total of 50 people were arrested including several prominent Senegalese businessmen.
#5. Finkleman Bar Mitzvah of ‘00
At the turn of the new millennium, Urologist Abe Finkleman gave his son Jessie a nice modest Bar Mitzvah. It wasn’t crazy; just close family and friends gathered together at the family’s home in Mamaroneck. However, at around 7 pm Flint showed up and brought with him a harem of female juggalos (or juggalettes). Flint square danced on the table and made sweet, sweet love to Jessie’s Grandfather on some recently purchased patio furniture. By 9 pm however David Copperfield had appeared and then disappeared once the cops showed up and found 400 cc’s of high-grade beaver tranquilizer in Jessie’s system.
#6. Cohen Bar Mitzvah of ‘02
There is not much we know about the family or the circumstances of Flint’s arrival and departure at the Bar Mitzvah. We reached out to several prominent Senegalese businessmen about the night and they told us to “never contact them again please.” All we know is that the next morning Flint’s bandana was found in the pool, and everyone but the Bar Mitzvah boy was missing. They all later were found sharecropping in Aruba, but for 4 months no one knew where they were, or how they got there.
#7. Menschel Bar Mitzvah of ‘05
This is the one everyone thinks of when they think of Flint Rasmussen and Bar Mitzvahs gone bad. Eli Menschel’s Bar Mitzvah has gone down in history as the only Bar Mitzvah to have over 100 Senegalese businessmen in attendance who were not invited. Minutes into his Haftorah, the synagogue doors burst open and Flint rode in on a white Mustang. Surrounding him were Senegalese businessmen dressed in the finest suits you’d ever seen. They rushed the stage and carried Eli off. Since then no one has seen Eli. It has gone down in history as one of the “most confusing things that has ever happened.”