BREAKING: Kid Who Plays Devil’s Advocate Is Actually Just An Asshole

by Margaret Limone

SARATOGA SPRINGSAmidst the bustling swarms of hungover Skidmore students making their way to class, last Tuesday morning saw sixteen unusually solemn faces leaving Tisch. “I just never thought something like this would happen here, you know? He seemed like a normal guy,” said Laura Kolakowski, one of the 17 students in Professor Joel Conti’s Feminist Theories and Methodologies class, who was present for the incident. Kolakowski is not alone in her shock. Last Tuesday morning, it was revealed that Michael “Mikey” Shartwell, continually started his sentences with “Just to play devil’s advocate” in class debates not because he wanted to help his fellow liberal peers strengthen their arguments, but because he’s kind of just an asshole. 

“We never thought he really believed those things,” Kolakowski insisted when confronted about her polite, in-class friendship with the perpetrator. Shartwell’s clever facade fell when, while arguing against the importance of the ERA, he finally lost his temper. “You feminist bitches are just bitter no one wants to fuck you because you’re ugly!” Shartwell allegedly shouted. A tangible silence descended upon the classroom as the sixteen other students looked at each other, unsure of how to respond. Shartwell tried to recover, “Or… or, er, that-that’s what I would say… if I was…not me.” It was too late, though. 

The estrogen-fueled, multi-color haired group of upper middle class white liberals had already smelled the blood in the water, while Professor Conti apparently chose that moment to slip out of the classroom unnoticed. Shartwell could not be reached for comments. Every other student, though, was very eager to speak with us. From their interviews, a list of things Shartwell has said while apparently speaking only as a “devil’s advocate” has been compiled: women should not be firefighters, people making minimum wage should try working harder, tipping at restaurants is optional, babies with physical deformities should be left on a mountainside like in fucking ancient Sparta, and milk should go in before cereal. 

One classmate, Melissa Cartier, had this to say: “I guess in hindsight it makes sense. Why would you bother to say dicky things if you’re not a dick? Some of the stuff he said still gives me chills, though. I can’t believe he really thinks queer people all smell like a mixture of fruity pebble-flavored carts and self-diagnosed depression, and wasn’t just trying to get us to see both sides of the argument.” In wake of the incident, 89% of Skidmore students said they would “think twice next time someone says ‘just to play devil’s advocate.’” 

Shartwell’s crucifiction will take place next Wednesday on the Case Green for anyone looking to attend. 

 

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