In Other News, Students No Longer Allowed to Abbreviate Murray-Aikins Dining Hall to D-Hall

by Milly Ennial

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—In an effort to be inclusive to all past, present and future Skidmore graduates, the college has decided to standardize the names with which students can call each building. In a radical change to campus colloquialisms, Glotzbach himself decreed that Skidmore students are no longer allowed to utter the word “D-hall” from this point forward: “As of today, November 13 in the year of our lord two thousand nineteen, the building at which students receive nourishment throughout the day may only formally be referred to by its full title: The Murray-Aikins Dining Hall.” While perhaps burdensome to most, Glotzbach and other administrators of the college have backed the decision, citing a need to up the standards of the language invoked by residents, and a desire not to alienate certain student-created nicknames as superior to others. “We feel that the decision being made here today will cause a ripple effect through time, linking all Skidmore students with one another in a universal dialect to last a lifetime. Oh, and while we’re at it, no more of this ‘Philly G,’ ‘Glotzy-poo,’ ‘Glotz Man’ stuff. That shit’s banned too.”

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