Pre-Med Student Declares Anthropology Minor in Last-Ditch Effort to Get a Personality

by Jenna Lucash

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY – Tensions in the halls of Skidmore College were tangible recently, as students prepared for the shit show that is class registration. While many found themselves concerned with filling the requirements of their 2 majors and 3 minors in time to graduate unemployed, some sought an entirely new course of study that they hoped would land them in a completely different position. 

Junior and biochemistry major Jason Feldman recently received indication from the Health Professionals Advisory Committee (HPAC) that there was something lacking in his medical school application. Though saturated with research and clinical experience gained through his extensive network of rich white male relatives from Westchester, it is relatively devoid of anything that would make him remotely unique. 

“I mean, that’s just Jason,” his housemate Marissa Schorrenburg says. “His personality is medicine. That’s all he has. He wanted to name our apartment’s hamster Penicillin.” 

Reluctant as he is to pursue something beside biomedical sciences, Feldman is a smart kid (he got a 1590 on his SAT, as he will continuously remind you) and knows he will have to spice up his class schedule if he wants to maximize his chances of getting into med school. 

Feldman is convinced the most effective way to make his exceedingly boring transcript (and persona) more appealing to grad schools is to declare a minor in anthropology. 

“I took AN 101 sophomore year to fill the social science requirement” remarks Feldman. “It wasn’t terrible, and it’s the most sciency of the not-sciences, so I guess I can handle 15 more credits of it. That’s only like… three classes.” 

Unfamiliar with the fact that only chemistry classes are worth 5 credits, Jason has decided to enroll in three classes in the anthropology department this spring in addition to his vanilla attempt to fulfill the arts requirement via the Dance Experience and three credits of biochemistry research. 

We attempted to reach Feldman’s HPAC advisor for a comment, but the instant we mentioned his name, she fell asleep. 

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