Review Uncategorized

Top 10 Fluids Seen in New Film “The Lighthouse”

by Will Kertzman

10. Whatever alcohol they’re drinking:

The main characters constantly are sippin’ on that regulah al to the co to the hol throughout the film. There’s not a moment that goes by where they aren’t reminding the audience that lighthouse keepers are all violent, sexually repressed white men who just wanna scream and masturbate to scrimshaw after drinking excessive amounts of alcohol. Whatever they’re drinking, gimme a taste!

  1. Dew:

You may miss it if you aren’t paying attention, but there’s a faint hint of morning dew every day that Robert Pattinson’s character gets up and starts his daily descent into madness. The morning dew reminds the audience that this is still an island on the planet earth and that when the sun comes up there is often moist residue on plants. Good going guys, really made me feel like I was there!

  1. Pump water:

Surprisingly, this is not at the top of the list. While it makes an appearance several times, and is even so popular that the seagulls want a taste, the pump water remains at number eight because of it’s low visibility. It doesn’t get as much screen time as other liquids, and we as the audience can’t entirely gauge how scrumptious it is from the characters reactions. Needless to say, it’s still pump water and deserves a place on this list.

  1. Willem Dafoe’s Face Moisture:

Not a scene goes by where we aren’t reminded that Willem Dafoe is a greasy little hard-boiled egg, glistening in the light. His slippery texture and sea-creature like face is always kept moist and glamorous, making the audience feel like they’re in the presence of a divine fish-sapient. Hands down one of the most important liquids to appear in the film.

  1. Mermaid Vagina Sap:

If you close your eyes for even a second you could miss one of the best liquids in the whole film. During the montage toward the end of the film, the appearance of a vagina the size of a salad bowl appears on screen. Robert Pattinson almost immediately begins to make coitus with the sea-witch who bears it, but just before he scars you for life with the image of his gyrating buttocks thrusting into a vagina so big it could host an entire Thai soccer team, you may be able to catch a glimpse of the mermaid’s vagina sap. Incredible attention to detail here.

  1. The Ocean:

Coming in right in the middle is the big bad daddy himself, the Atlantic Ocean. We see the ocean for only a small portion of the film, but when he’s on screen he really steals the show.

  1. Robert Pattinson’s Mustache Sweat:

The one that grabs your attention for the majority of the film, Pattinson’s furry little caterpillar is constantly dripping liquid throughout the film. Whether he’s painting the lighthouse, throwing his own shit in his face, or trying to decide whether he will try to kiss Willem Dafoe again, his mustache stays whet with British sweat. Amazing.

  1. Fast Rain:

There’s a fair amount of slow rain in the movie, but we are here to talk about the rain that is so fast it makes your heart skip a beat. During the storm, the rain hits the house with the ferocity of a crisp pat on the back. Revel in the almost supernatural speed at which the rain pitter-pats across the screen. Did you even know liquid could maneuver that quickly? 

  1. All The Liquids That Can Feasibly Come Out of The Human Body Mixed Together:

Do I even have to explain why this is great?

  1. Willem Dafoe’s Floor-Grate Jizz

Hands down the best liquid of the film, it appears only once but leaves a lasting impression. When Robert Pattinson goes to see what the hell Willem Dafoe does up in the lighthouse one night, he stands right below the light platform, under the floor grate. Then, when he least expects it, Willem Dafoe’s motion-lotion comes cascading down through the floor grate and onto Pattinson. It’s a moving scene, one that many directors would be afraid to do, but not Robert Eggers.

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