Wal-Mart Yodeling Kid Harvests Own Plasma During Instagram Live-Stream in Desperate Attempt to Regain National Attention

by Will Kertzman

CHICAGO, IL – Mason Ramsey, more popularly known as “The Wal-Mart Yodeling Kid” tried to regain the public’s attention this last weekend in a bizarre stunt that some are calling “morbid” and others are calling “pretty fucking gross.” Ramsey went on Instagram live and announced that, “I’ve given the world all that I am, and it just isn’t enough. I give and give, and all you people do is gawk and clap. I am nothing without your approval, and so now I take the leap, the leap into the dark unknown.”

Viewers of the live story were genuinely disturbed, one woman reached out to us and said that, “You could see in the background he was in an apartment that had been completely destroyed. Things were on fire, there were a few exotic animals running around, I even saw what I believe was Mickey Rourke in assless chaps face down in a plate of fettuccine alfredo.” Ramsey then announced loudly that he was going to “harvest his own plasma, to save the world and himself from fading into obscurity.” He called out to someone off-camera, and soon Dr. Conrad Murray, who was the cardiologist for Michael Jackson shortly before his death, walked on-screen. Murray announced that he would be “instructing Ramsey from off-camera” but said that “my hands won’t go anywhere near this, because I cannot afford another lawsuit.”

Ramsey then began to harvest his own plasma, following the careful instructions of Conrad Murray and the entire cast of Diff’rent Strokes, who showed up just before the first batch was drawn. Commenters were shocked, grossed out, and in a few instances genuinely impressed that this was even happening on Instagram in the first place. Once Ramsey had finished extracting the plasma, he spoke directly to the camera saying, “with the support of Dr. Conrad Murray, the entire cast of Diff’rent Strokes, and the incomparable Mickey Rourke, I am finally enough. I am ultimate. I am pervasive. I am the apex predator!!!”

Ramsey was soon on every talk show in America discussing his stunt, why he did it, and what is next for his career. 

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