by Will Kertzman
LOS ANGELES, CA – This past weekend saw the second biggest gathering of men under the age of 25 wearing Converse One Stars: Camp Flog Gnaw 2, a second coming of the music festival organized and executed by musician and sporadic Lothario Tyler, the Creator. This weekend’s version saw the likes of Willow Smith, Gary Clark Jr., 21 Savage, Brockhampton, and Mos Def. However, the biggest name to grace the stage this last weekend was personification of the word Drake, Drake. Not initially scheduled to appear, Drake showed up in place of what fans thought was going to be Frank Ocean’s set. Needless to say, when Drake sauntered on stage and began forming words with his mouth, he was greeted with boos, rotten fruit, and, in the harshest instance, getting his knees broken with lead pipes.
The two perpetrators of the knee whapping, Gareth and Montesquieu Montgomery were reached for comment on why they chose to go to extreme, although some may even say necessary, lengths to keep Drake from performing. Gareth said, “As soon as I saw him I thought ‘Oh no, here comes the brontosaurus of music. I grabbed my lead pipe I carry with me in case I need to kill a policeman’s horse, and I jumped on stage. My brother Montesquieu came up with me and on the count of three we just started whapping his knees like they were hotel doormen trying to give us high fives.” Montesquieu Montgomery was also reached for comment but said only this: “I’ve broken 30 knee caps this weekend and killed two policemen’s horses. I’ve got the taste for violence now, Camp Flog Gnaw has given me that much,” and then disappeared into a cloud of smoke.
Drake is currently being held in the Danny Tanner Emergency Room in Buena Vista, California.