by Will Kertzman
SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY – With winter break finally over, these past few weeks saw the return of the student body in its entirety to the Skidmore College campus. Reunions abound as friends, teachers, janitorial staff, and muskrats all gathered to greet each other after the long month apart. One student in particular caught the eye of her friends when she came back not only with a different look, but also with a completely different identity. The student who was formerly known as Jacqueline Haversom was now insisting she had always been known as “Grop”. No last name either. Just Grop. In a recent interview with her conducted by Skidmo’ Daily, she said, “Grop. Like Cher. One name all I need.”
Her friends were incredibly perturbed. One of them by the name of Marcie Angle said, “Everything she posted on Instagram gave us the impression she went to American Samoa for Christmas and then went home to Delaware. But if that’s the case, that doesn’t explain who the hell this person is? Unless I’m being pranked, in which case this is hands down the funniest thing that’s ever happened to me.” And then another one of her friends reached out to The Skidmo’ Daily and wrote, “That’s not Jacqueline. Like, I don’t mean that she’s not the same person she used to be. I mean that is literally not her. It’s so obvious; how does no one see this? The girl’s name is Grop for crying out loud!”
We then reached out to Grop again, who said she would only meet us by a hollowed-out tree stump on the outskirts of town. We begrudgingly agreed to go, on the condition that she not keep us past 8 pm. When we finally did meet Grop in the woods she had a translator by her side. While her English was less than understandable, to our surprise she was fluent in Basque. Once the translator explained to us that Grop was not in fact Jacqueline, but just someone who looked remarkably similar to her, we all had a big laugh and went back to Dhall together. Unfortunately no one now knows what happened to Jacqueline Haversom.