by Will Kertzman
If you’re like myself, you might find yourself desperately alone during this quarantine season. Luckily for us loners, the city of Saratoga has a solution. A long standing tradition for almost 40 years now, making love to a Freddy Kruger blow up doll, has become the activity for loners one month post-Valentines Day. So much so in fact that the demand for the dolls has maxed out, and it can be hard to find one in this time, as well as all the extra necessities like needle glove lube and a mirror to punch afterward when you try to look at yourself. Fortunately, The Skidmo’ Daily has the inside scoop on places in town that will have a few more Freddys in stock to act as your flesh sock.
#1. G. Willikers Toys: Though from the outside this is a humble toy store with a good reputation, it also harbors one of the largest stockpile of Freddy Kruger blow up dolls in the nation. All you have to do to get your hands on one is go to the front desk and ask if they have any “crispy bitches looking to make love.” You’ll then be taken by the store clerk to the basement where you’ll meet Dolph. It’s very important to not look Dolph in the eyes; he fought in Korea and was tortured by being put in a staring contest for 97 consecutive hours. Tell Doplh you’re there to “ram your nightmare right up Elm Street.” He’ll hand you the doll and you must hand him $400 cash at the exact same time.
#2. Jacobsen Rugs: This place sells more than one kind of rug! As you walk in, tell them you’re picking up for a friend. When they ask what you’re picking up just say “the blow up doll” (they’ll know what that means). The store clerk will then unroll a massive rug filled with Freddy Kruger blow up dolls. Pick the one with the largest mouth and pay the clerk $550, but it should be noted that if it’s not all in $2 bills they won’t accept the payment.
#3. Congress Park: This is technically more of a meeting spot to pick up the dolls. To actually order them you have to go to Saratoga High School and look for the man coating his ass cheeks with Elmers glue–his name is Javier. Go up to him and say these words exactly, “I don’t want any trouble, but I heard you’re the kind of dreamer who could help me actualize my sexual nightmare.” Then wink, but only wink with your right eye. If you wink with your left eye Javier will cover you in Elmer’s glue and just start laughing at you. Then meet Javier next to the civil war memorial statue and hand him whatever amount of money he specifies.
#4. Case Center: That’s right Skidmore students, you can purchase a Freddy Kruger blow up doll right here on campus. Just be sure to follow these specific instructions. First, go to the men’s bathroom on the second floor of Case center. Wait there for 15 minutes for Edna. You’ll know her when you see her, as she is always wearing a comically large bowl of fruit on her head. Tell Edna you’ve been dying to see Nightmare on Elm Street but you don’t have the “special sauce to go with your chips.” Edna will then escort you to a room that is not listed on the building plans. She will hand you a doll, ask you for the $678 and then will knock you unconscious. You will awake with your doll on the roof of Joto, outside of the Penthouse.
Enjoy quarantine my fellow loners, and make Freddy beg for it!