MAY 30, 2020—As news of Skidmore’s last-ditch effort to make the Class of 2020 feel some sort of normalcy toward their doomed graduation plans made its way around the Outlook email server, several saddened seniors arranged for ways they could make a virtual commencement one to remember. Talks of drinking games, zoom parties and wholesome family fun abound.

But no idea beats what I’ll be doing on the day of our fake graduation: masturbating with my Cloud 9 Wand Massager.

I’ve decided that if I can’t get that grand ending I’ve been waiting for, I’ll create one my damn myself. So to all my fellow seniors out there, I suggest you do the same. We’ve been experiencing a lot of extreme disappointment lately, and surely none will be greater than having to sit through Glotzbach’s final farewell speech completely sober and unsatisfied. So do yourself a favor and skip the livestream, light a candle, and rub one out for yourself—and your fellow peers. Godspeed, friends.