By Will Kertzman
WASHINGTON, D.C. – This past weekend saw the gathering of the world’s hair community. Hair-bearing individuals from all across the globe congregated on zoom for a conference of epic proportion. Long an issue of public debate, the issue of what to do about “bald Cyclopses” was finally put to rest this weekend with the hair community outwardly condemning the actions of said Cyclopses unanimously. The leader of the conference, Elliot Pfeau, said on live television that “the hair community and I have deliberated over an exhaustive 36 hours. As it stands now, we the hair people of the world outwardly condemn the actions of bald cyclopses, both domestically and across the globe. This was not an easy decision to come to but we all decided this was the best course of action given the current political climate.”
Other members of the hair community gave statements about why they came to this historic decision. Julia Louis-Dongo of Brisbane, Australia said in a statement to MSNBC that “we can’t afford to lose any more sheep to these maniacs. I come from a farming family and we have been woken in the night by bald cyclopses rummaging through our barns and stealing our livestock. Not to eat you understand, to steal their wool and create makeshift wigs. It’s like “guys, you don’t have hair, you live with that consequence stop trying to pretend like hair will shift focus away from your one eye.”
The bald Cyclops community has yet to draft a response to the hair community’s drastic declaration today, but a leading voice in that group, Sloth from The Goonies, is scheduled to appear on Chris Cuomo later this evening.