by Justin Rizzi
This weekend, a team of researchers in Washington, DC discovered a previously secret loophole printed in small text at the bottom of the First Amendment to the United States Constitution. After stating that Congress shall not make laws restricting freedom of religion, speech, press, assembly or petition, our Founding Fathers put a disclaimer that Skidmore College in Saratoga Springs, New York should also provide money to all proposed student clubs, even if they’re dumb and offensive. This could not come at a better time for me.
Coincidentally, also this weekend, Skidmore’s Student Government Association voted decisively to refuse to give funds to my new club called “Skidmore Hate Speech Enthusiasts.” While their decision to deny me and my friends money to talk about how much we aren’t able to talk about things seemed to be perfectly legal and adhering to SGA’s guidelines for club formation, this process clearly violates my newly-discovered First Amendment rights. Clearly the authors of the Bill of Rights were thinking of situations just like this one when they penned the First Amendment centuries ago.
In conclusion, anyone with access to the National Archive, a magnifying glass, and really, really good eyesight can see that SGA is denying me my First Amendment rights. Let me know if you want to interview me for your national news source.
I deserve it.