By Will Kertzman
SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY – Over the past weekend, #whiteboysummer began trending on social media for a very specific reason. Black sheep of the Hanks family and walking red flag, Chet Hanks, released a video on social media a few days ago in which he proclaimed that he “had a feeling” that this summer was going to be a “white boy summer.” Hanks’ unique position in life as the degenerate son of one of the world’s most beloved actors kind of makes him the authority on what is happening in white bro culture. And though you or most people may not be aware of white boy summer, the white boy community certainly appreciated Hanks’ declaration more than words could say.
Here at Skidmore, jubilations abounded from one Lax house to the other over the announcement of what promises to be a summer where the white boy community finally feels “seen.” We spoke with one Lax bro who like Chet Hanks, also had an enormous illuminati tattoo on his chest, who told us that “for too long the summers have been about things like pride, environmental issues, and all that other shit that doesn’t really speak to my experience. But now, finally, white boys will have OUR day in the sun. We will not be hidden away like the degenerates we are, we will be SEEN, we will be HEARD, this is our time to SHINE! EPSTEIN DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF!”
While many on campus are feeling the excitement surrounding a summer where white boys don’t feel ashamed of themselves “for once,” others are responding to the announcement of white boy summer with things like “what?” “why?” “who asked for this?” “isn’t every summer, every day of every year for white boys?” to which the white boy community wistfully responded “it used to be, before Biden…”