Celebrity

Skidmo Investigates: Internal Document Reveals Prince Philip’s Official Cause of Death Was “Being Old As Fuck”

By Will Kertzman and Isaac DeMarchi

LONDON, UK – Chimney sweeps across Britain this morning took their soot-covered hats off to pay respect to a man who came so close to surpassing the original girlboss queen in hierarchy, but was alas, relegated to the shadowy basements of Buckingham Palace. That’s right, Prince Philip, living corpse, died this morning in what can only be described by medical professionals as “about fucking time.”

An internal document revealed produced by the secret NHS that only the royals and Piers Morgan are allowed to use revealed that for some years Prince Philip had been suffering from a condition known as “being old as fuck” and a rare skin condition known as “rigor mortis.” Thoughts and prayers are still coming out, and the queen wished her husband a speedy recovery.

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